How to find out what your love language is

Maria Medem

Have you ever been asked “What’s your love language?” 

Chances are, you have. Because the concept — first created by counselor and pastor Gary Chapman, unpacked in a series of books, and picked up by many others — has spread far and wide. The five love languages refer to the five simple ways that we want love to be shown to us and the ways that we show others love.

I’m a relationship researcher, and while I haven’t empirically studied the love languages concept, other academics have. Some of the published studies confirm the validity of love languages, revealing they can increase people’s relationship satisfaction and longevity.

What I find so helpful about love languages is that they express a basic truth. Implicit to the concept is a common-sense idea: We don’t feel or experience love in the same way. Some of us will only be content when we hear the words “I love you,” some prize quality time together, while some will feel most cared for when our partner scrubs the toilet.

In this way, love is a bit like a country’s currency: One coin or bill has great value in a particular country, less value in the countries that border it, and zero value in many other countries. In relationships, it’s essential to learn the emotional currency of the humans we hold dear and identifying their love language is part of it.

No matter your situation — whether you’re living alone, spending 24/7 with a partner or roommates, living with adult kids or steering younger kids through virtual school —  the five love languages are a highly effective set of tools to have in your relational toolkit. When we know what another person’s love language is, we can choose the gestures that will most resonate with our partner, friend, parent or child. And when we know which actions speak to us and make us feel loved, we can ask other people for exactly what we need.

While there are plenty of online quizzes to tell you what your love language is, it’s easy to figure out yours and what your loved ones’ are by looking at what lights them up, what presents they give you (since many of us bestow on others what we would most like), and what their perfect day would look and feel like.

Here’s a look at the five languages and how they can be applied and optimized — even during a pandemic.

Love language #1: Words of affirmation

Those of us whose love language is words of affirmation prize verbal connection. They want to hear you say precisely what you appreciate or admire about them. For example: “I really loved it when you made dinner last night”; “Wow, it was so nice of you to organize that neighborhood bonfire”; or just “I love you.”

For the people in your life that you’re not seeing in person because of the pandemic, you could film a short video to send them. My kindergarten-aged goddaughter and I haven’t been together  in 7+ months, but we text each other silly videos of us saying — or even singing — what we miss most about each other.

And for the people you are seeing all of the time these days, remember that even making tiny gestures matters. This is my primary love language, and my husband of 29 years knows it. I’ll often wake up and go into the kitchen to find a sweet post-it note next to a glass of ice water on the counter (which is another love language — an act of service).

Love language #2: Acts of service

Some of us feel most loved when others lend a helping hand or do something kind for us. A friend of mine is currently going through chemotherapy and radiation, putting her at high risk for COVID-19 and other infections. Knowing that her love language is acts of service, a group of neighbor friends snuck over under the cover of darkness in December and filled her flower pots in front of her house with holiday flowers and sprigs. Others have committed to shoveling her driveway all winter. (It’s Minnesota, so that’s big love.)

In your home, you could be proactive and do something that eases your person’s daily grind. Why not take on the chore that everyone avoids doing, whether that’s cleaning the oven, changing the litter box, scraping ice off the car, or filling and running the dishwasher? For anyone whose love tank is filled up by people pitching in, seeing someone intentionally scanning the environment to figure out what they can do to make their environment better sends a clear and loving message to them.

Love language #3: Gifts

Those of us whose love language is gifts aren’t necessarily materialistic. Instead, their tanks are filled when someone presents them with a specific thing, tangible or intangible, that helps them feel special. Yes, truly, it’s the thought that counts.

When you’re out grabbing groceries for your family, pick up your roommate’s favorite kombucha or seltzer and drop it by their door. Our daughter — whose love language is gifts — is a junior in college and we know she’ll adore what’s in the box soon to arrive in the mail: a small package covered in valentine stickers and containing her favorite chocolates, gift cards for coffee and a framed picture of our family dogs, Fred and George. It’s an act of love that will fill her mailbox and her emotional bank account.

Love language #4: Quality time

Having another person’s undivided, dedicated attention is precious currency for the people whose love language is quality time. In a time of COVID-19 and quarantining, spending quality time together can seem challenging. But thanks to technology, it’s actually one of the easiest to engage in.

Make an intentional effort to have Zoom coffee dates with the colleagues you’ve been missing, or go on distanced walks with your in-laws. Put a good old fashioned phone call each week on the calendar with your best friend, or schedule an in-house date night with your partner or spouse — no phones or “I’m just going to turn on the TV for a second” distractions allowed. Nothing says “I love you” in quality time language better than them being the only thing on your agenda.

Love language #5: Physical touch

Expressing the language of physical touch can be as platonic as giving a friend an enthusiastic fist-bump when she tells you about landing an interview for a dream job or as intimate as a kiss with your partner to mark the end of the workday.

I know that for some parents with young children, spending too much time in the same small space has created a rub — literally. They’d do anything to have fewer people touching them fewer hours of the day. At the same time, for those living alone or those self-isolating because of their exposure or health risks, they’re experiencing the painful opposite: a lack of touch.

While there are no easy solutions for either case, we can get creative. If you know someone who’s overwhelmed by the small hands reaching for them, you might offer to take the kids to a park so they can run off some of their energy. For loved ones who are touch-deprived, try emailing them an outline of your hand and instruct them to lay their hand on the image while imagining your hand on theirs. Even thinking about a warm embrace — something you can do by texting friends and family members with the hug or hugging face emoji and telling you wish you could be doing this in person — can cause their brain to produce some of the same endorphins as an actual hug would.

Love languages are a worthwhile concept to become fluent in during this pandemic time — and at this time in the world. Long before COVID arrived on the scene, we were already living through an epidemic of loneliness. Loneliness is not just about being alone; it’s about experiencing a lack of satisfying emotional connections. By taking the time to learn each other’s love languages and then using them, we can strengthen our relationships and our bonds to others.

Watch Carol Bruess’s TEDxMinneapolisSalon Talk here: 

You're probably familiar with the idea of love languages, but how can you find yours? Since everyone expresses love in different ways, it is helpful to learn how you show affection. Unfortunately, lots of self-help sites or articles assume that you already know your love language. In this comprehensive guide, we'll cover each one and give you examples, so you can find the love language that resonates with you the most.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed clinical psychologist and relationship coach, Sarah Schewitz, founder of Couples Learn. Check out the full interview here.

1. A love language is how you show affection and prefer to receive love. The idea of 5 love languages comes from Gary Chapman's famous book. He's studied the way people typically express love and divided it into 5 types or languages. Here are the standard 5 love languages, along with a couple other lesser-known ones:

   • Words of affirmation
   • Quality time
   • Physical touch
   • Acts of service
   • Receiving gifts
   • Intellectual
   • Emotional

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1. You thrive when someone says kind words or gives you a compliment. You need to hear your loved ones tell you how much they care, preferably every day. You find it really touching to hear them say, "I don't know what I'd do without you," or, "I love you so much." Is your love language words of affirmation? Think about how many of these statements you identify with:

   • It means a lot to me when my partner tells me how nice I look.
   • I like it when someone I love tells me what they like about me.
   • It’s more meaningful to me to get a loving note, message, or email for no reason from my loved one.
   • I need to be told that I’m special or important.
   • I love the feeling I get when my partner tells me they appreciate me.

1. You feel loved when someone gives you their full undivided attention. You love it when a loved one plans a date and then listens to you when you spend time together. You feel valued if they've thought out all the details, so you can just enjoy each other's company. Is your love language quality time? See how many of these statements resonate with you:

   • I feel whole when I’m around a loved one and we don’t even have to say anything.
   • I enjoy taking long trips just with someone I love.
   • It’s important to me that I can spend alone time just my partner.
   • It’s meaningful to me if someone I love cancels their plans to make time for me.
   • It's really important that my partner puts away their phone when they're talking with me.

1. You experience love through a physical connection. You'd probably describe yourself as a touchy-feely person. You like getting hugs or having someone pat your shoulder reassuringly. Still not sure if physical touch is your love language? Check out how many of these statements you identify with:

   • It’s meaningful to me when I hug someone I love.
   • I feel loved when my partner kisses me for no special reason.
   • I love it when my partner rubs my back.
   • I feel whole when someone I love holds my hand in public.
   • I feel relaxed and supported when I’m getting a massage or caress.

1. You think that actions speak louder than words. Imagine you threw away an important document and a loved one fished it out of the trash for you. You probably found that super meaningful! When they do helpful things that make your life easier, you see that as love. If you think your love language is acts of service, see how many of these statements resonate with you:

   • I love it when my partner lets me pick the movie even though they dislike it.
   • It’s important that a loved one helps me without me asking.
   • I feel cared for when someone I love does a chore I dislike doing.
   • It’s nice when my partner runs errands for me if I feel under the weather.
   • I feel supported when someone I love helps me on a big project I need to finish.

1. You see gifts as symbols of love and thoughtfulness. If this is your love language, you find it really touching when someone you love brings you flowers. You love a surprise gift because it means your loved one was thinking about you. These don't have to be huge gifts—you know it's the thought that counts! Is receiving gifts your love language? Think about how many of these statements you identify with:

   • It's important to me that I get a gift that's thoughtful.
   • I feel loved when my partner gives me a gift on my birthday.
   • Getting a surprise coffee or treat makes me feel cared for.
   • Visible symbols of love like cards, jewelry, or flowers are very important to me.
   • I feel loved when my partner gives me a gift to remember our anniversary.

1. You experience love as a mental connection. If intellectual love is your love language, you feel fulfilled when your partner asks and respects your opinion. You feel loved when they're impressed with your intelligence or with some smart remark you made. If you think your love language is intellectual, check how many of these statements resonate with you:[1] X Research source Go to source

   • I feel loved when my partner asks for my advice.
   • I feel valued when people ask me to share my opinions.
   • I enjoy it when someone I love talks with me about things that matter.
   • I love it when my partner's excited to talk with me about something.
   • I enjoy thinking up topics of conversation before I go out.

1. You equate love with always being there for someone through deep emotional support. If your love language is based on emotional connection, you feel comforted knowing you can turn to your partner or a loved one for help. Life is tough—knowing that people who love you are there for you no matter what is critically important.[2] X Research source Go to source If you think your love language is emotional, check out how many of these statements you agree with:

   • I have no problem reaching out to a friend if I'm struggling.
   • I check in with my friends and family to see how I can help them.
   • I make a point of calling loved ones when they seem down.
   • I feel valued when someone wants to talk to me about their problems.
   • I stick with my partner through the good times as well as the tough times.

1. Most people have a mix of love languages and a quiz can help you identify them. If you head to the official 5 Love Languages website and take the quiz, you'll see what percentage of each love language you experience. For instance, you might take the quiz and find out that your love language is 30% words of affirmation, 23% receiving gifts, 20% physical touch, 17% quality time, and 10% acts of service.[3] X Research source Go to source

   • Before you begin, the quiz asks you to select your age demographic and relationship status, so it can tailor questions to you.

This article was written by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD and by wikiHow staff writer, Jessica Gibson. Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships. This article has been viewed 3,450 times.

Co-authors: 6

Updated: September 12, 2022

Views: 3,450

Categories: Love

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